Am I an Addict? (Pt. 2)

My images contain memories made with people that I care about. Ranging from date nights with my boyfriend, fun nights out with my friends and family gatherings. The images remind me of the good times I’ve had. I capture my best moments where I feel the best and look the best…I am not afraid to admit. I post these photos to show people what I’ve been up to and how happy I am. Or how happy I seem. Like I said before, we all highlight our best moments and post about them on social media. Often times these photos are capturing our reality, just snapshot of a moment. I am guilty of posting all the good parts about my life through photos. If someone were to look through my camera roll, they would see a happy girl, with lots of friends, a perfect boyfriend and a seemingly easy life. This is not the case. I have battled depression and anxiety for the past year and this is NOT what I photograph. I am guilty of not only fooling my followers but also fooling myself through my images. If I post a photo and don’t like the way I look or what this photo may portray, in my mind, there is no reason to keep that photo up. It must be taken down. This comes from the confidence that photos give me. Because I am able to freeze a moment in time and hold onto it forever, it better be a good one. I have to look good, feel good about it and have a reason to let others see it. Photos are a way to remember the good and happy times and become blinded to the bad ones.

In regards to posting statuses and keeping my followers, family members and friends up to date I have struggled most of my life with being vulnerable. Being able to share your hard times is a lot harder than gloating about the good times. I would rather talk about my good grades, achievements and successes than talk about my trials and hardships. It wasn’t until some recent battles that I began to use my posts on social media as an outlet. This became crucial for my healing process because I was forced to let my emotions out rather than bottling them up inside. The more I held in and tried to ignore, the more anxious and broken I became. My therapist taught me ways to cope and journaling was one of them. So why don’t I just use my pen and paper you may ask…? I wanted to share my struggle. I wanted to gain enough vulnerability, show a different side of myself to the social media world, in hopes that someone out there, maybe battling the same things as myself could read about my struggles and my battles and gain hope. It is always easier to go through something when you’re not alone. Regardless of whether I know the people that I am helping, I want them to feel like they have someone in the world who is just like them. Our brain can completely blur our reality and many people forget that they are human, just like everyone else. Imperfectly perfect, messed up and amazing all at the same time. I don’t post about my struggles like I do my pictures, hoping to get a million responses and praise. I just want to share my story. I want others to feel like they have somebody to understands that life isn’t as perfect as we make it seem. The trouble with social media is our ability to fake who we are, how we feel and what we’re going through. My recent breakthrough allowed myself to work on this troubling aspect and give social media and myself, something they haven’t seen yet.

If you want to know who I am, read my blog. Don’t check my Instagram page, my twitter feed, my Facebook statuses or the selfie I send you on Snapchat. Read my blog. Get to know me. This is Olivia. The Olivia who feels like she has witnessed more death than life. The Olivia who tosses and turns every night while anxiety shuffles around her head. The Olivia who will make you laugh while she wants to cry. The Olivia who fears the end of life for herself and all the people she cares about. Don’t look at the picture with all of her friends on a Friday night, or the selfie she took after she just got her hair done. My social media pages do not accurately represent who I am, because I use them to fool myself. All I can say is read my blog. That is the most accurate page you’ll find about who I really am.