Broken People Love Out of Convenience

We grow up loving a lot of things. We love our parents, we love our friends, we love our pets. We throw the word around to just about anything that can put a smile on our faces and make us feel special.

As I have grown, I have learned the value of the word 'love' and I have learned that this word isn't really a word at all. It is a feeling. It is action. It is a moment in time. I have also learned that love is at its strongest point when you don't even have to say the word at all. You embody the word. It becomes who you are, how you move, how you operate and anyone close to you can feel it. It doesn't need to be explained or identified.

Here's the sad, harsh, bitter truth of this feeling...once you possess it, the lines get blurred and if not careful, you can find yourself falling into a dangerous place. A place that in the moment feels so perfect and happy, but once you are ripped out of it, once reality sets in, you are more broken than you have ever felt. Yes, it's true. There is no pain quite like heartbreak.

I recently felt this and while many may be reading thinking "Oh God, here we go again with another sad ending to another chapter in Olivia's crazy, emotional life." Nope, not even close! While I watched my heart shatter and although it hurt like hell, I came out on the other side bigger and brighter than I have ever been and let me tell you why…

I embodied the word “love” and allowed myself to become slave to it. I bent over backwards to prove loyalty, affection, commitment, amongst many other things for a person that wasn’t deserving. I trusted the word would not fail me or let me down because the realness of the word was just so convincing.

I allowed myself to fall apart and be completely okay with it because I was putting somebody else, who is clearly broken, back together.

I allowed myself to sacrifice my quality time for someone who was never willing to give me time that was quality.

I allowed myself to question my self-worth because the person I found most worthy forgot to remind me.

YOU SEE, I was trapped inside of a word {love} that didn't even exist.

"Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection and to the simplest pleasure."

So how did I come out of this bigger and brighter? If I was trapped so deep inside of such a strong word, how did I manage to get out?

First of all, let go and let God. I was praying night and day for God to open new doors for me. Frustrated when those prayers weren't answered I took matter into my own hands. I was too busy slamming doors, to see the opportunities that God had placed right in front of me.

If nothing of value is standing at your door, close it.

Secondly, I realized...AND CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, that my self-worth was more important than anybody else’s feelings. The second that my self-worth became a question, I found the answer and that answer was HELL NO.

Lastly, I smiled and reminded myself that I deserved the same kind of love, loyalty and affirmation that I give and refused to settle for anything less. Plain and simple.

Do not become slave to the word. Do not allow yourself to question your self-worth. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. The moment that I freed myself from what I thought I felt, God spoke to me and said "I couldn't open new doors until you closed the old ones." And boy does he know what he's talking about.