Disappointment Comes From Expectations

Imagine a world with no expectations. We go day to day with no expectation of how things should go. Day to day we live life according to what God has planned for us, or, if you are not religious, you live life according to what fate has in store. However you may view life and how you believe your future will unfold, doing so without expectations allows you to be at peace with whatever path you may take, whatever people you may take that path with and however those people chose to act.

I set expectations for myself. Often these expectations are high and sometimes not entirely possible to reach given the current place that I am at in life. These expectations that I set for myself hold myself to a higher standard but they also force perfection. Perfection is unobtainable. I set expectations to achieve my highest level of greatness and while that is a great mindset to have I also must be gracious with myself. These expectations should be used as a guide rather than an end goal. When you set expectations for yourself and view them as your end goal you may fall short due to your natural lack of perfection which ultimately leads to a sense of disappointment. You feel as though you have let yourself down. When you instead use these expectations as a guide you can use them as a friendly reminder to challenge and push yourself to your limits. I am still learning how to do this. I am still learning that I am not perfect and even more difficult I am still learning that I will never achieve perfection. Expectations will be my guide. I will use them as a reference. When I feel myself falling short I will remind myself of the expectations that I have set and adjust accordingly.

I set expectations for others. This may be the most dangerous expectation to set. You have to start with the general understanding that you and I cannot control what others do. As badly as we wish that we could, we can't. When you hold someone to an expectation it is for one of two reasons.

1. You are pushing this person to be a version of themselves that you know they can be.

2. OR you are pushing this person to be a version of themselves that you have created for them.

With the first reason, you are setting expectations for a person because you know what they are capable of. You see their potential and you are expecting them to reach that potential. When you set expectations for a person in this way you care about them. You are what I would like to call their "cheerleader" you are constantly rooting for this person because you see the best in them. This can come in many forms. This is a mom. A mom that sets expectations for their children because she knows all that they are capable of in life and wants nothing but the best for them. This is a partner. A girlfriend or boyfriend that throughout their relationship learns about their partners heart. Sees more than whats on the surface and sets expectations that others may not understand because they want their partner to share those qualities with others. This is a teacher. A teacher in school, a sport, or life that sets expectations based on skills that their student possesses that they believe will set their student up for greatness if these expectations are met. In whatever form these expectations are set, these are healthy expectations. These expectations come from a place of fact not fiction. These expectations are set because whoever set them was given a reason to believe that you are capable of achieving whatever standard they are holding you to. These expectations are set because your "cheerleader" sees something in you that you may not even see yourself. These expectations are set because someone cares enough about you to be your reminder, your reminder to be the best version of yourself.

With the second reason, these expectations are silent, dangerous and lead to disappointment. Actions speak louder than words and I cannot stress that enough. Unless someone has shown you, not told you, but shown you what they are capable of, you cannot hold them to an expectation. For example. I became a "cheerleader" to a broken person. I had taken this broken person under my wing and attempted to mold them into a version of themselves that they were absolutely incapable of being. I set expectations for this person based on who I wanted them to be, not who they could be. I wanted this person to treat me a certain a way. A way they had never treated me before. I expected a certain level of respect that had never been shown. I expected a certain type of love that they had never demonstrated. I silently set expectations for this person and when those expectations weren't met, I was disappointed. I stupidly wanted more for this person than they wanted for themselves. Eventually I learned that with these types of expectations, I have to learn to accept instead of expect. Accept these people for what they are instead of expecting what you want them to be.

Do not mistake a healthy expectation for a fictional one. A healthy expectation is based on actions that set a standard. Once someone shows you their best you can expect that person to continue to reach that standard. A fictional expectation is based on who you want someone to be, not who they truly are. Being surprised is much better than being disappointed, so until they show you what they are capable of...let them surprise you.