Letting God Decide How My Story Ends

I never thought the day would come where I would fall into a space so consumed by my dark days, hard times (thanks Drake) and insecurities that my mind would just shut out the good days, best times and confidence. When that day hit, it hit like a truck. Hard and without warning and it felt like there was nothing anyone could say or do to pull me out of this place.

My whole life I had viewed suicide (which is a hard word for me to even say) as a selfish and spur of the moment action that left loved ones feeling empty and full of guilt. I still believe that. But there was a day where all views of this topic were pushed aside and told to shut up.

I had hit my rock bottom. Many times before this had felt like rock bottom, but I knew I was there because I literally felt nothing at all. I had spent too many days and nights plastering on a fake smile and worrying about everyone else but me. I constantly checked in with family and friends and offered a shoulder to cry on even when I needed one myself. I didn't let people see me break for this was going against everything I stood for in my life. Being a light, a bright light that people could depend on on their worst days. I wanted to be that light always, even if I had lost my shine.

I had woken up on this day just craving a way to make the pain stop. Instead of turning to a friend and being honest when they knew I was broken, I did what I did best and internalized every feeling and uttered the big fat lie "I'm okay." A phrase used way too often in describing how we feel. A lie we tell daily.

I had neglected to realize that although uttering the words "I'm okay" didn't mean that the people around me believed it. I sent my loved ones in a frenzy as they knew I had hit my rock bottom and wanted to end the pain for good. Horrible to think I allowed some of my greatest treasures to live through that day.

I had finished my long drive full of tears and prayer and just felt like I knew exactly what I needed to do. Taking myself a long way from campus I turned my phone off and gave myself one last chance to feel something...I just couldn't.

Exiting the car and turning my phone on for a few minutes to listen to more music and calm myself down, I was given a sign from God. It sounds as crazy as it felt, trust me. I had received a message who's contact showed an email address of a person I held so close to my heart.

My 8 year old sister.

Some background: She has an iPod, when she sends a message she has to be connected to wifi and she also has to actually think about her sister which is rare. I NEVER hear from her over text.

But, one single text that read "Hi, how are you?" stopped me dead in my tracks.

It was in that moment that I realized I had a purpose. I was a big sister, a role model and a best friend to an 8 year old.

She continued to blow up my phone with "how are you" and a gif of sponge bob ripping off his shirt. Her innocence and timing was exactly what I needed in that moment.

I got back into the car and sobbed for hours.

I had doubted my faith for a long time, I questioned why God would put someone through the pain I had experienced if they had lived their life for others. BUT he showed me he was there, he was listening to my pain and he understood where I was at in life. He sent the one person to me in that moment that he knew would save my life. In the middle of her school day God sent my sister to me because he knew the impact she would have.

While this blog post may have seemed dark I wanted to share it because it is important to know your worth. There is someone out there that needs you. There is a person that would lose a part of themselves if they ever lost you.

God is the author to our amazing novel called life, so don't stop reading. Don't put the book down halfway. Let God determine how your story ends.